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Lizard Caught Your Tongue?

One of the common misconceptions about our society's occupation by the reptilian shapeshifting Annunaki is that the Annunaki are merely a ruling class. Though many of the eldest, most powerful reptilians do sit in powerful positions, be it Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau or new, fun Pope Francis, many of our overlords choose less flashy vehicles.

Benedict Cumberbatch, Gal Gadot, Anjelica Huston - these all seem so obvious. Did you know newsman David Muir is a reptilian shapeshifter? How about teen heartthrob Finn Wolfhard? All reptiles. All pretty easy to spot.

But what about your local pastor? Or the handsome woman who rings up your groceries down at the corner store? Perhaps you are in a rotisserie baseball league with one of our shapeshifting reptilian overlords. Even as their home planet Nibiru slowly spins back into our solar system, the Annunaki choose to live among us, not below us in their ancient, intricate, subterranean world. More and more, they shun the traditional seats of power below Washington, below Hollywood, to live quiet human lives in our towns and cities. In our schools, in our churches. In our families. In our beds.

You may be in love with an evil extraterrestrial being bent on the subjugation of our species. How will you know? Sooner or later the Annunaki is betrayed by its incessant thirst for human baby blood, so try to catch him or her sucking on a baby like a Capri Sun. Chances are, any reptilian entangled in your personal life is too clever to be caught - after all, we're talking about a species capable of space travel, shapeshifting, and keeping a secret! But there is still something you can do. Shapeshifters always revert to their original appearance during times of great physical stress. Hit your suspected loved one repeatedly with a hammer, or run them over in a truck. If you see a flash of gray-green scale or yellow slitted eyes during your surprise attack, your suspicions have been confirmed.

The Legal Department would like me to remind you that this publication in no way promotes or condones hitting "people" with hammers or running them over in trucks. The Legal Department keeps its thermostat set at sixty degrees and locks its doors during lunch hours, though, so I think we all know what's going on. Don't tell the truth unless you want your name on a humor column. Good luck, Earthlings.

By Chris Conatser