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Editor's Note: I hired Thirsty Hank to write these recaps for Legion, The Final Chapter having never seen the show. I was curious to see what someone who wouldn't normally watch something like LEGION would write. We hope you enjoy.

Timothy Pizza
Editor, Fourteen Threes

Chapter 27


That's right. Ladies and gents, this is the end.

It's a hard thing to wrestle with. I've had to take a couple of days myself. Also;

It's the beginning.

Of other things that are going to happen in the future. But also the end of me writing these recaps. But first, we must go back to - -


David's chilling as a - -


Then he's - -


David is rocking some yellow pajamas. Then we dissolve to David as a - -


He’s standing in front of chalkboard then flash to David as a - -


David is a 16-year-old juvenile delinquent setting fires at the circle K before we see David as an - -


It’s the David we grew to love in the booby hatch and he's kinda twitchy. He tries to hang himself but he fails unlike Jeffrey Epstien, followed by more flashbacks of David's recovery as his power grows.

Time for more Lessons in Time Travel sponsored by stamps dot com, and it's Chapter Zero with David narrating this crazy book on tape. It's great to see him using his powers by getting into the booming voiceover market.

"Who we were does not dictate who we will be. But often it's a pretty good indication. Time travel does not give one the opportunity to change oneself. But Rather, to eradicate oneself" Okay, it sounds like a bunch of fortune cookies written by an angry parole judge who missed his morning coffee.


David and Charles are in their quarters, which look like luxury accommodations in an Arabian themed Kimpton hotel. David suddenly yanks a fish out of his ear like you do. Maybe it's a Babel Fish? How’s he gonna understand Colonel Beaks, Oliver’s chicken from the Astral Plane? Douglas Adams dances on his own grave as David pulls a glowing orb out of his ear, which turns into a spiky mace.

Charles follows suit, he pulls a glowing bullet out of his ear and puts it in his gun. It's going to be a psychic street fight and I feel like I should have seen this coming.

David looks in on Switch and she's looking rough, like she fell out of the nobody-gives-a-shit-about-you tree and hit every branch on the way down. He tries to comfort her by saying it will all be over soon.

Charles and David walk down the hall to confront Farouk in his meditation chamber, but stop just short of the entrance. "I like this." David says. "What?" asks Charles and David replies "Us." Awwwwwwwww.


When they enter they are confronted with not one but two Farouks. Double the pleasure. Pocket Farouks. That's not a hand you want in Hold ‘Em.

Can I say though that Old Farouk has soo gotten his shit together compared to Young Farouk? He looks like he’s discovered pomade, stopped thrifting in Agrabah and started shopping at Today's Man.

"I simply can't quit you, my dear. Nor would you want me to, I suspect". Umm...debatable. But somehow, amazingly, Farouk manages to make the situation gayer. Take notes.

Young Farouk tries to mess with David by saying he's always been the victim. David disappears and materializes behind him, and bops him on the head with his big spiky mace. Who's the victim now? They both vanish in a flash, leaving Charles and Old Farouk alone. Charles immediately shoots him.


Back at the ol' brownstone, Syd runs down the stairs into the conservatory. My signal's all glitchy again and I have to reset my router. Looks like the horny time demons are here in force. They start popping up all over the staircase and Syd, Cary and Kerry make a break for it out the front door. But nope, instead they find themselves transported to maybe the - -


Cary says his brains are full of spaghetti. I can relate, I woke up the bus station in Fresno last winter with a back pack full of old milk and part of a raw flank steak. Anyways, Syd tells Gabrielle the world is ending. Let's be honest, no it isn't because Trump hasn't even been elected yet. But Cary does manage to put his big boy pants on and come up with a plan. He and Kerry will fuse back together to gain twice as much "temporal identity" to confuse the demons. You know, like an extra yeasty loaf of bread?

Maybe he should have stuck with spaghetti.

Kerry and Cary join together, and finally Kerry is free to go full Kill Bill on these glitchy fucking Babadooks.


It's David and Young Farouk squaring off and I am so here for it. David explains how this fight isn't one on one because He. Is. Legion. A horde of Davids pour out of the doors and try to swamp Farouk, but he blasts them with some crazy psychic shit. Eventually though they overwhelm Farouk and pile on top of him.


Old Farouk is on the ground after being shot by Charles. He pulls a red handkerchief out of the bullet hole and seems fine. I think the lesson here is don't use bullets that came out of your ear. Live and learn. Charles pulls a knife. Farouk asks Charles if he has any more imagination than being an extra in West Side Story, and offers him a vision of peace and prosperity in the astral Kingdom where you can do, well, whatever the fuck you want. Go ooooon? Farouk turns Charles's dagger into some fancy Arabian IPA. Cheers! In the States this stuff costs a fortune as an import.


Kerry is slicing up time demons like a Shaolin master, but it's taking its toll. Every time one of them scores a hit Kerry visibly ages.


An increasing number of Davids pile on Young Farouk, they try to initiate a sensual ten man back rub but Farouk knocks them all back with one big psychic surge.


David wakes up in a dark expanse fitted with a straight jacket. He must be feeling a bit of nostalgia.

Young Farouk taunts David and tells him he doesn't deserve love, and David gets all scrunchy face about it.

Trapped, alone and in the dark. David does what? What any of us might do, he busts into a cover of Pink Floyd's “Mother".

This is pretty good actually. Do we need the rest of the show?

Mother should I run for president? NO. Definitely not.

Gabrielle joins in on the duet as "Mother". I admire her bold choice as an actress to play a character who's a terrible singer.

Mother promises that she's going to help build a wall.

Is it just me or is this playing out like a thing between Mike Pence and his wife?

Were Pink Floyd a modern day musical Nostradamus?

The Legion dancers do an impressive number, putting them in a tight race with the "No, I Banda!" shadow dancer folks in MDGT (Mulholland Drive's Got Talent) and even though there can be only one winner I think they're both honestly fantastic and I wish them both well.

Carrie fights, Legion dances, Syd shoot shotguns, It's a busy day. It's nice they could snag the music video director who did all the stuff for the Eurythmics. That's a good get especially in the astral plane.

Despite not being Adele, Gabrielle gives David some hardcore nurturing and mothering that he never had as a baby.

He breaks out of his straitjacket and the straitjacket turns into Farouk. David says “it’s time to die.”


Switch is still lying in bed felling the pain when the wall cracks open, right through our favorite portrait of Charles Xavier. Whatever monster is behind this has great taste. Switch quickly opens a time portal just to get out of there in into the - - 


Switch sits up and spits out her teeth like her mouth was playing Yahtzee. Do people even have that many? Seriously she's spewing out teeth like her face is a slot machine for tooth fairies.

The time demons are coming for her. Instead of fighting, she surrenders to them, saying "You were right. Bedtime is here." She passes out.

But a tender hand reaches out to wake her up. It's her father. You know, the one she's only seen on television up till now. I was also raised by TV. "You've discovered the true meaning of time." he tells her. "It's an ocean not a river." That makes sense; “A force more powerful than any one being can control. Wake now and see what you have become.”

The light changes in a split second and Switch is completely healed. She even gets a whole new set of frequent flyer teeth.

"Your baby teeth have come out." Her father says. "And look what's replaced them?" A full time job with benefits? Just kidding, this is still an unpaid internship. "Wisdom Teeth". The answer we were looking for is "Wisdom Teeth". Proud papa says ‘rise from your Slumber girl.’


Xavier and Old Farouk are still sharing brewskis, probably debating where to put the psychic golf course in their new utopia. Farouk confesses to Charles that he loves David like a son. He wants an end to the fighting. "I did not come here to defeat David but to aid him in his quest.”

Farouk claims he's changed. It's a regular deadbeat dads convention. 


Kerry is taking on a horde of time demons all by herself. Cary, from inside her says he doesn't want to die. To this Kerry says "There is no glory like the glory of one last battle." Which if I were Cary in that situation that's not what I'd want to hear. But hey.


Switch’s Dad, all sunbeams and pie now, explains that the time demons guard the tributaries of time against would-be Intruders. But he says they're very well trained, blowing a whistle that makes the demons sit and stay. And I want the number of that obedience school because I have a german shepherd mix that won't stop pissing on my throw pillows. He makes strong eye contact while doing it and I’m too scared to yell at him.

Gently, Dad tells Switch that this is their native home in the time hallway. She turns around and sees her dead body still lying in bed. She asks him "What are we?”

Umm it's complicated but he would like to call her ‘daughter', not fit to, and for her to call him ‘father’. Oh wait, Father Time? Hmm.

"I thought you didn't care about me." Switch says. I'm on that same page.

He says "We both needed time." Really? Okay,


This narrative is problematic AF. Here we have an asian daughter being raised by a strict father who pushes her into an advanced STEM field, but of course withholds any validation or affection until she works herself TO DEATH. BUT Tiger Dad wants to show her "existence untethered" and hopefully that's something other than doing this job forever with no pay. Either way, she's used to it.


David is strangling the crap out of Young Farouk and really quite enjoying it.

when Xavier shows up, he yanks them from Dark Astral Plane into the - -


Charles tells David he's made a deal with Farook. David is astonished that Charles would take Farouk at his word but Charles "says we're telepaths. We never have to take anyone at their word." Zing!

Charles again takes ownership of his past neglect and says to David "Let me be your father." Finally David is getting the love and acceptance from both of his parents that he never truly had.

What's going on here? How did Noah Hawley convince FX and Marvel to bankroll the most expensive therapy sessions of all time?


The two Farook's are fighting. "How petty you seem" the older Farouk jibes at the younger. "Let me show you what I've learned. Old Farouk busts out his magical sunglasses and puts them on Young Farouk's face. In a fun DMT montage all of David's life flashes before Young Farouk—some crazy times--and he gains the knowledge of Old Farouk.

Young Farouk cries and says "Thank you."

I bet that shit is better than Oculus Rift. Can I try next? 


Kerry's time demon battling is fierce but she's getting overwhelmed when Switch appears out of thin air with her new demon whistle. With one blow, she freezes the time demons, then makes them disappear.

Switch turns to Sid and tells her that the "Universe acknowledges you. That you exist. And your existence is important." This is like a millennial wet dream, like it's ALL the validation, I just can't even.

I hope that when the world ends and the universe comes to congratulate everyone existing that she takes a scared look at Thirsty Hank and asks; “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”

Then Switch breaks the news that "The David she knows is almost gone. His past has changed. And now Sydney Barrett, your past will change too." Sid says "So I die." and Switch says "Only the you you are now." Now THAT's some legal bullshit.

But Syd must die so another, more glorious other version of Syd can live on. "So I die now?" Syd asks. Switch says "No, I gave you time for one last thing." Then she hugs her and says "Thanks for helping me when I was human." Fade out.


Syd wakes up with Gabrielle and Kerry, who says "What just happened?" She replies "I think we saved the world." Noice!


The Farouks are meeting with David and Charles about a new beginning. Young Farouk, now much more chilled out after trying on those swank tea shades, asks David "What will you do now?”

David says "Be a baby, then a boy. Then a man." I hope that works out for him. Young Farouk says "When you're grown up come and see me and together we'll rule the world." David says no, that's not a good look. They shake hands.  There's a bright light and we see Switch watching over them. "Okay", Switch says to her father now. "I'm ready." She puts on her headphones and guns it down the time Hallway.


Syd and Kerry joke about how Kerry now looks old and ratchet. And why not, they'll all be dead soon.

Cary appears and Kerry has a vision of them as children. Kerry calls him "Old man" and he says "I don't think you can call me that anymore" Damn today's ageism! So she tells him she will call him "brother" and he says "That works.”


It's a new day Xavier House.

Gabriel says "This world makes no sense when you're not in it” and then tells Charles that "David is upstairs with his friends." This seems like a new timeline because David doesn't have any friends.

Gabrielle asked David if he should have "let her sleep" in the hospital. He says "Never." She saw demons. He saw a monkey with a King in his head. So, Even Stevens.

"Together we fought a mad tyrant." She says he needs us both. Charles says he's always thought about being a teacher. 

He's always wanted to become a teacher. OHHH, I think I get it now.


Syd looks lovingly on Baby David. Slowly, adult David walks into frame.


David asks "Are you not surprised to see me?" Syd seems happy that she gets to live life over again which to me is more like a horrible curse, but OK.

David says he "Bets she's going to turn out extraordinary without him around." "Yes, I am" she says. That hits 100% on the No-Shit-O-Meter. This is like running into your evil ex in the produce section at Kroeger's times a thousand and David deserves every second of it.

David says "Sorry" and Syd says "I like your mom.”

David says that he's looking forward to getting to know her. "So now what?"

Syd says. "We just sort of fade away." says David "Into the ether. I have to say I didn't think you'd help me." Syd replies "I didn't." She looks at the baby "I helped him.”

They watch the baby for a while, then Syd looks up and says "David, be a good boy.”

They both chuckle at the kiddo as they fade out from existence.

Shot on baby David, left alone.

In Summary, if you spend your childhood haunted by some Pedo living in your brain just send a bizarre radio transmission into the universe asking for a time traveler and Father Time will whip up a Daughter to enter the human realm and lead you to the world’s operating system so you can get a do-over. How do you think I got home from Fresno?

Wow what an insane ride. I just want to thank Sergeant Pluckers a.k.a Colonel Beaks, Michael Chicklis’ dead eyes and above all else, the Legion FB gang. I think it’s time I started Season 1.

See ya on the next weirdo recap,

Thirsty Hank

Chapter 26

We're in the past hangin’ out at Charles Xavier’s house in his — -


He's playing with his mind helmet again. He must have saved up a shit ton of cereal box tops to send away for this sweet baby. A vision is forming in — -


It's of the historic David Lynch theater. Charles plunks himself down in one of the plush red seats and the "No I Banda!" players start putting on a show. It's a bullfight. A Luchadore is trying to spear an actor dressed as a bull. He succeeds, and when the actor falls to the floor he removes his mask—and its Charles. Charles is watching Charles on stage dying. I'm not sure what's happening, but this Charles is most definitely not in charge. No version of Charles seems to be winning.

The Shadow King appears in the seat next to Charles in all his goitrous glory. I mean if this guy's the king of anything it's vitamin deficiency. I have some sympathy for the devil: I've had plenty of my own thyroid issues and that's a bitch. I get the gout just from looking at The Shadow King. I feel stuff gout-ing inside of me.

Farouk tells Charles "You should never have come." Nice.

In a flash, Charles is getting off a plain in Morocco. He locates his driver who, instead of a name card or photo, is holding up an oil painting of Charles. I mean there's rich and there's RICH. His car has three headlights. Charles asks the man who he is. "I am a subject" he says, this is shady. And he continues; “…and my king's very excited to meet you.”

The painting looks nice at first glance, could be a Grant Wood or a Whistler. But a closer look belies the sloppy brushwork and unrefined technique when you realize this painting wouldn't fetch jack shit on the Antiques Roadshow.

None-the-less, it is customary to present your potential partner with their self portrait in the rules of mind helmet hook ups. On the second date the alpha mind helmeter dresses as a momma bird and regurgitates a prewritten hand-job request into the beta’s mind implanted sex beak. Traditional.

Anyway, the driver tells Charles that his king is a special being who has no parents because he rose up and was birthed by the mud. You can tell that Xavier wishes this was an Uber Black and that he could request a ride with Quiet Mode.

After a cool title card made of ropes, we're back in the — -


David and Switch are lookin’ ragged. David feels dizzy and Switch is losing molars left and right. She's finally used up all of her frequent flyer teeth.

How much further? Shit's getting glitchy again and I hope I don't have to call my cable provider.

Desperately, David tries to convince Switch to go one more time. She's all gums, David! Suddenly the numbers on the time portals get scrambled. David is sucked into some kind of metal box. This exact same thing happened to me on the purple drank. You gotta ride it out and sort out the memories later.

So now, we’re in the — -


Farouk's in HIS fortune teller booth. He tells David "You decide what's real and what's not" This is for real flashing me back to the Double Cup.

Meanwhile, in the — -


Present day Farouk is still struggling to escape his Ansel Adams prison. Still Life with Soft Pecker.

There's some time demons tic-toc-ing about. Green eggs are hatching. The time eater’s have been porking. This place reeks of ham, the lunchmeat. Now we're back in — -


The creepy driver pulls up to a really huge Palace, I mean it's a cut above your average McMansion. The Driver bids him welcome, and Charles proceeds alone down an expansive, you could even say palatial, hallway.

Wait, is this a daycare? There's kids running all over the place. They are playing with brooms. Quidditch? There's a monkey in a cage. I think he’s the snitch. Oh my God, its Young Farouk—well, younger Farouk.

He introduces himself to Charles as Amahl Farouk. He says he knows his family. Could this be the very dinner party that Charles envisioned while he was playing with his mind helmet? Meanwhile, OG Present Day Farook is still stuck in some fucking photographs or — -


He flickers around for a min and then we find ourselves back at the — -


David's mom, Gabrielle comes outside to when she find the front doors off the hinges. A Time Square opens and Syd, Kerry and still wheelchair-bound Cary spill out. David's mom wants to know if they're the ones who did the doors? Syd reassures her that they're not crazy and David's mother talks about how all babies are insane. Mmmmaybe just yours, lady. 

She asks if Syd has ever seen a mass grave. This is probably why she doesn't have a lot of friends. Is she related to The Wolf? Does she also want to talk about chlamydia? It’s nice to see her socializing I guess.

As Syd is trying to nope out of this batshit interface with Gabby she overhears Gabrielle call her baby "David". Syd’s knows a “David" too. Her eyes get real big which tells us there is a connection here before we go back to — -


David and Young Farouk are breaking bread, near a giant table full of Farouk's foster children.

He claims they were orphans and he opened the palace to them out of decency.

Sounds like the Farouk that I know. 

Farouk snaps his fingers, and they're transported to a vast inter-dimensional realm that past Farouk calls — -


Unbounded, Charles can use his power to do anything in here. Farouk says he used to wander the streets, raving like a madman. Then Charles reached out with his adult mind finder hook up helmet.

“I saw you my brother.”

If you get a collect call from Farouk don't accept the charges.

Time for the post-feast entertainment! And they're back in the ‘No, I Banda’ theater. It's shadow puppetry. There's huge a demon whipping and forking people. He has a big fork. He likes to fork. This act could do really well on Mulholland Drive's Got Talent (at least Howie would like it).

Farouk jumps on the mic and riffs about prosperity—but once again he again he tells Charles "You should not have come." A present day transparent David briefly flashes into existence for a second to tell Xavier that Farook is the king of Lies. Xavier then comes to in a — -


The shitty portrait of Charles is on the wall staring at wake up Charles. If you can draw a cartoon turtle we can teach you how to paint this painting. You wana draw tutrtles? Xavier walks the hallways at night and finds the caged monkey. He wargs into the monkeys mind, and inside the monkey mind there is a weirdo inside a golden cage. He keeps screaming "I was a king.” I’m not convinced. We get it, you peaked in high school.

David shows up and tells Charles to not be afraid. He’s there to help. David teleports them inside — -


They sit at a round table with two chairs in a circular room that's made of all doors. This room doesn't seem like a safe place. It seems like a luxury showroom for doors. As a secure location tho, the coat room it's literally ALL ENTRANCE.

David gives Xavier some cake, in fact it's the cake of knowledge. What does knowledge taste like? My guess is sweet at first but with a bitter aftertaste. Immediately doing its work, the cake dribbles all the history frosting and knowledge that David has about Farouk transferred to Charles. He might want a palette cleanser.

David explains how this whole situation is a trap, but with him as a secret weapon they might finally win.

Kerry wants to know why they can't kill the baby David and Syd said says because it's a baby. Fair enough. And, maybe it can be redeemed. Do Syd and Kerry do the sane thing, and agree to stay in the 1950's to raise the baby David so he doesn't grow up to be such an asshat? The camera falls through the floor where the Time demons are begining gentle foreplay in the furnace while they giggle playfully. Back at the Palace in —


Xavier surprises Farouk at his Sumptuous continental breakfast. David comes around the corner and it, I mean the look on Farouk's face is precious, almost as though Farouk has sharted a bit. 

“Heck of a place you got here.” David taunts Farouk. They stare each other down hardcore like only unhinged psycho psychics can. This time, it's David who says to Farouk "You should never have come." Farouk excuses himself right away, probably to change his undies.

Switch plops out from behind a thick curtain. Her remaining teeth are popping out like Orville Redenbacher. She’s drooling blood. She collapses, looking like an extra from Chernobyl. "Who's she?" Xavier asks. David cooly replies "She's no one". Just a means of getting here.

We're back in that door room, the one inside — -


David goes catatonic and Legion starts spilling out of all those doors. ”Daddy, is that you?" I told you never to call me Daddy at work! More of the Legion pop out of the doors. Daddy. Daddy! Daddy? Daddy… Daddy? Xavier uses the hell out of some psychic powers to teleport himself into some more David Lynch shit back in — -


Children are running around and babies are crying. Xavier's painting is smiling now, but it still lacks artistic merit. My streaming is getting super glitchy here. If I need to call Comcast again I'm gonna rip some of my teeth out and collapse somewhere.


Syd and Kerry realize they need to raise David real good or the world's going to end. It takes a village. As Kerry explains to Cary their plan, a time demon sneaks up on Kerry from behind and freezes them both.

Baby David's in his crib, his mobile disappears. Then all his stuff goes, and the drywall. The whole place is gone except for just the crib. Down in the basement, time demons are fucking each other vigorously inside the furnace ,and back in — -


Farouk and David are aggressively meditating at each other. 

A little girl, one of Farouk's foster kids, tells Xavier that she hears voices in her head and can't sleep. "Can you make them stop?" It's clear this isn't the best Foster care program. Xavier winks at her as he wargs into the little girl's mind where he finds a whole LOT of people locked up in golden cages, wailing and screaming “He was our king.” This really corroborates the little angry weirdo, back inside the monkey mind, inside the golden cage. I'm convinced now. There’s a real crisis on the border of sanity. 

After seeing the horde, Xavier apologizes and finally admits to David this whole shebang is somewhat his fault, and now he realizes Farook is a monster and a bad, bad, bad, bad, man. Together they're going to crush him!  

At the same time, OG Farouk breaks out of the Ansel Adams print and comes face to face with his younger self. Young Farouk looks pretty thirsty for it— not as thirsty as I am for tonight's finale.

Chapter 25

Far away from the hustle and bustle of the big city, we find ourselves in a lush field that's full of discarded items. One of those clapping monkey toys sits in the grass, and there's a lawn knome who really screwed up his booking on Travelocity. A scarf and hat wearing hipster is pulling his red wagon around the countryside, scavenging the junk.

Wait, it's Jemaine! Or should I say Oliver Bird. Among the Antiques Roadshow rejects he finds a baby in a basket. He then puts the baby right into the little red wagon. What? I mean, is a baby really that heavy? This terrain is hilly AF, bruh. You just got custody Oliver. You're already an unfit father.

While dragging the baby down another steep, steep hill, Oliver runs into the shady character next door, who looks like he goes to the same Goodwill as Willy Wonka. The Wolf asks if he can have the baby. Hmm, does this ever work? Oliver says no, because the guy also openly admits to being a Wolf (my guess is he has to notify his neighbors).

Mr. Wolf wants to know if Oliver has told the baby about the Holocaust yet? I think he's waiting to get her out of the wagon. "You can't grow up too fast, that's my motto" says Mr. Wolf. He also urges Oliver to tell the baby about herpes "like right away”. Standard Dr. Spock.

Jean Smart, or should I say Melanie Bird, shoos the Wolf away and rushes the baby inside. Melanie asks what they should name it, and Olver says the baby's name is Sydney because the baby said so itself.

They're having soup, living in a straw house next to a Wolf. This is already a pretty high risk neighborhood. THEN, the camera pans out and we see their whole world exists inside a potted plant hanging off an apartment railing. In terms of raising little Sydney it's not the best school district. I pause the episode, kick over my roommate’s potted plants, poof-read-my-port-bowlio, think "this is LEGION" and then I hit the play button.

The Wolf shows up again (he blows on the house instead of knocking) and this Wolf wants to party. He has a redheaded waif in tow named Cynthia who he found in the woods. "She's lost her innocence" and "given up all hope" he says. "Isn't it great?”

Melanie tells him to leave again, saying they want to raise their baby in "magic and wonder" and "keep the real world out." They invite Cynthia the waif to come inside for Soup. They close the door on The Wolf, leaving him in a huff.

"We should move" says Melanie. Ya think?

Suddenly we're transported into what looks like a Summer's Eve commercial, where Sydney and Cynthia frolic on a perfect country day. They build a small rock wall out in a field, and a dollhouse made of sticks.

Oliver takes Sydney and his wagon back to the junk fields to look for more crap. She asks where all the stuff comes from, and he says this is where things go when people forget about it or it stops being important. So where are all the Beanie Babies? Then he leads her to the edge of the planter, where she can see "the city" also known as "the real world”or "the ostritch".

But he refuses to explain further till she's older, instead saying "Quiet you" and then informing her that it's almost time for stuffed animal pie. Which makes sense because it's light and a great source of fiber.

As they walk back, Syd falls behind and finds a dead fox in a tree. Always a charmer, the Wolf shows up to talk to her about death. She says it's "just nature" but he warns " Kids die too, yah know?" Sid tells the Wolf her mother said death is "just a part of life" and runs off, but not before the Wolf asks if her mother "told her about clamydia?"

Melanie tells Syd a story about a girl who had the special power of empathy and could feel the feellings of all the beings around her, even the animals. That must suck.

The Wolf shows up again and tries to seduce Cynthia and ply her with drugs, but she refuses...at first. Then he gives her some line about lightbulbs shining in the dark, and she's off to the races.

Syd has 'the talk' with Melanie and even asks about chlamydia, which Melanie Describes as "Kind of like a cold for your vagina", which is what Dr. Drew says. Later that night, Syd starts having nightmares about the real world.

It's David and the Shadow King. Finally, something to advance the plot. Thank God, I thought we were going to spend the whole episode stuck in Dollar Tree Narnia. Oh wait, the dream is over. Damn.

Oliver hears more Wolf blowing at night. The Wolf is trying to blow down their stick house, and Oliver says "Time to move". That's great Oliver, maybe this time get the realtor to show you the place at night, not just during the day.

They move to "the gutter", aka the set of "Newsies". Syd has grown into the teenager that we met a few episodes back. She wants to know about the real world. Oliver resists, telling her "We have to learn about love before we learn about hate, otherwise everything goes to hell.”

Syd goes for a walk, on the street she finds a beating heart in a box. Before she can pick it up, Cynthia shows up and says "Better to leave it." She has two kids with her, Sweety and Blue. Both look like they've been mainlining Charles Dickens. Sweety, all of nine years old, tries to get Syd to drink vodka while Blue is hustling choke chains like it's Sophomore year, when you'd just found out about The Pixies.

They invite Syd to hang out with them, gesturing down a dark hallway. Blue says they have "all the cereals,” so why not? Syd looks down the creep-fest of a hallway and sees the Wolf, "Jerome" standing there. Syd takes off.

Syd tells Melanie she doesn't want to go to the real world now, but Melanie says the real world needs her. Oliver comes home with a chicken. Syd announces they're going to save Cynthia from the wolf because "this is what good people do.” The chicken is not allowed in the house, Oliver and Colonel Beaks, his chicken are pretty bummed. Oliver has a look of; I just fucking walked in the house after a long ass day collecting garbage and I wanna sit on my couch and vibe with my chicken friend, Colonel Beaks.

We’re looking down the creepy hallway, Blue and Sweety are loitering on the porch like the depression-era rapscallions they are when a bottle of vodka rolls up. Sweety eagerly snatches it up. Then Cynthia comes outside to find them both knocked out.

Oliver is pulling the kidnapped Cynthia in his wagon. Have you learned nothing? It’s becoming clear that Oliver is upset that his chicken is not in the wagon. Oliver tells Syd that if she survives this then she'll "be a grownup.” It’s much like my adolescence and getting rides home from summer school. If she does survive she’ll be a felon.

Back at the Wolf's lair, he finds Cynthia missing, and one sniff of the vodka bottle tells him who's behind this. At the Stone House, Melanie, Syd and Oliver tie Cynthia to a chair so they can tell her they love her. The chicken is outside chillin and doin cool chicken stuff.

Jerome aka Mr. Wolf shows up ready to throw down, but Oliver is waiting for him outside. The Wolf says "You can't beat me, I'm a wild animal!" and howls. Jerome says he still has some tricks up his sleeve, he flips his cape up in the air and transports them all to an astral nightclub. "There's only one way this can end." he says, "A rap battle.”

YES! The rap battle. It’s fucking fantastic. It's SO great. You need to just see this for yourself. You should watch the episode. At the end of it, Jemaine, I mean Oliver, rapps the shit out of some raps until he convinced the Wolf that he's a sad and pathetic creature. Oliver is cool and puppies like him. The chicken, Colonel Beaks, was in the green room the whole time.

The Wolf cries and says "The bad man was mean to me!" Cynthia comforts him. The two walk into the darkness together--at the very last minute, The Wolf flashes Oliver a knowing grin.

Syd doesn't understand why Cynthia would go with him. "Not everyone wants to be saved" Oliver explains in a nice Libertarian talking point. "But we had to try." Melanie says "So you'd know." Jerome claps his hands and suddenly their clothes are nicer. "I think she's ready.”

He touches Syd's cheek and suddenly she's grown-up Syd, again. Syd remembers the real world and knows that she has to go back. They tell her to remember what they taught her and Syd bids them farewell, closes her eyes, and we're back on the airship. I never thought I would be so happy to see this airship, Syd wakes up on the floor surrounded by dead Manson Girls. Syd puts her hair up.

On the bridge, Syd finds an open Time Square. Cary is patching up Kerry's black eye and other injuries that she sustained from the battle in the last episode. Kerry wonders if they'll all vanish when David changes the past. Syd tells them about the open time door. "Did you change something about you?" Cary asks. "Other than I lived an entire second life in the last twenty minutes?" Syd asks.

We ALL did, Syd! We all did.

I pause the show, sneak across the street and kick over potted plants until I’m tired.

Cary makes new time travel watches for everybody. I bet the chicken would look pretty cool with a time travel watch but Colonel Beaks doesn't need mere tech to hold my interest.

Cary and Kerry Freaky Friday their injuries. They couldn’t have chosen a better time too. Those time demons are back.

Syd and Cary make it through the time door. Kerry has to fend off a few demons before making the jump herself. She comforts the hurting Cary. "We're going to win.”

Judging from the state of things, I'm not so sure.

Chapter 24

Ahhh, the open road! Where are we? Not sure, but probably somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert (and the drugs are beginning to take hold). And what do we see rollin' down the highway? Never outdone in the swag department, it's District 3's new fully operational Death Winnebago. It features a private bar, bathroom sunroofs, and a squadron of mustachioed biker chicks ready to kill--just another day at the office for the head honcho in back. He's chatting with One Eye and it sounds like these two crazy kids have a sexy henchman date planned for later.

But before these lovebirds make it to Lobsterfest, David stands in their way, both literally and metaphorically. He's in the road, I mean. Collision immanent. I love watching these biker chicks attack on these futuristic hogs, finally the mustaches make sense to me. David easily shatters the first two into glass, then teleports into the Winnie and makes everyone go splat. Well, except for the boss man, who tries to stop David with a taser (he obviously doesn't watch the show). David commands him to give up Switch's location.

Boss Man informs David that he's been trained so that his mind can't be probed or manipulated. In response David erases all of his long term memory, so he can't remember his training anymore or even that it's his and One Eye's anniversary. What about Lobsterfest.

David pretends to be the guy's friend from college that he can't really remember...kinda hazy...so he just goes with it. So relatable, I've been there. But in my case I took the guy for drinks until he stole my wallet, I didn't jeopardize the whole universe by revealing the location of a time traveler. Perspective.

District 3 soldiers find Undercover Boss and he can't even remember his own name. Looks like no more Lobsteritas with the BF tonight.

Back at the Hippie Hollow it's raining blue flowers, and the cultists are frolicking like only crazed cultists can. And you get a blue flower, and you get a blue flower!

A Yellow Bus (it's red) pulls up and a busload of fresh-faced recruits bursts out. The whole place is alive and pulsing with activity. In fact, the whole street looks like it's been trapped inside a 1960's-themed Old Navy commercial for weeks now.


This is a nice neighborhood. Don't these people have a neighborhood Home Owner’s Association? Look at how close together these homes are, you're telling me no local busybodies are catching this epic cult-y vibe? Even though there's hopscotch and kum-bye-ya outside every damn day. Oh, and just ignore the random tremors, and all the vials full of blue juice our kids are finding on your lawn.

You're bringing the property values down!!!

Anyway forget all that cuz Daddy David's home! Everybody form a circle and smush into a love pile around David! Uh oh, he vanishes from the pile, now he's inside. He teleports around looking for Lenny.

David finds Lenny and they get into an argument over who's more narcissistic. That's right, it's not a short argument. Lenny says she hasn't been a narcissist since she held her baby. That's a good one.

David insists they have to get Switch. He suggests he could change the past and get her baby back, but Lenny calls him a liar. "I need you" he says. "Well, you can't have me." Lenny stabs herself in the neck, wheezing "You blockhead" before collapsing to the floor.

David goes to her side, and Lenny asks "Why is it blue?" David replies "It's always been blue". Get it? Ummmmmm.

OKAY. We're back for some time traveling rules on tape.

The plight of the time traveller is heavy indeed. For when one exists in all times, one exists in no times. That about sums it up.

Switch is back enjoying a reunion dinner with her TV dad—who is literally just on a shitty old TV. But actually, it's a pretty great TV because you can pass the mashed potatoes through it.

There's one of those drinking glass Birds. I love those. Switch has some kind of wind up thing in her neck, and now the Lego version of her goes right off the table, which can't be good. We zoom out and see Switch is really in a coma, held in an iron coffin-type enclosure on the airship.

Cary, Kerry and Sid watch over her. Cary explains it's like she's in a black hole invisible to space and time. 

Farouk shows up to Debby Downer the whole deal and says it's a mistake. His plan is to keep David from finding them, they're going to take the Airship to space. We're going to take this ship to space, at Ludicrous Speed! We're going to take this ship space, oh yeah, we're going to take this ship to space! It could work says Farouk. How much do you want to bet Farouk just wants to use the Low Earth Orbit feature just because he paid out the A$$ for it as an extra. So, hell yeah they're going into low earth orbit. 

Syd makes sure to get her makeup just right for the blast-off. Priorities!

Farouk tries to telepathically contact with David. Says he hates to see him like this. Farouk reminds David that "gods make the rules, they don't follow them". And now it's time to pay.

One Eye is sadly looking at pictures of Memory Wipe when his gun is turned into a rubber ducky. I wonder if the space blimp has a decent tub to properly house the new rubber guest and if so does the water stay warm long enough? If it doesn’t can Farouk fix that? Do you want Farouk involved with your baths? His voice is gentle but so terrifying. So many questions. Either way, I've named the rubber ducky 'Le Quackins.'

In a flicker of projector light, we see one of the Manson girls throwing something over One Eye’s face. Then we see a memory of One Eye touching Memory Wipe’s hand all lovingly and then cut to space. One Eye is dead. Lobsterfest is no more.

Here's where the episode blows most of its budget on special effects. David says 'gotcha!' He starts blowing all the people out the airlock, where they enjoy a cold, refreshing and fatal dip in the vacuum of space.

Kerry's finally getting to go full ninja on the airship against the psycho geisha cultists that have teleported onboard to do the Creepy Crawly. They fight Kerry with meat cleavers while the mustache ladies watch mostly, they like to watch. It's bordering on very niche fetish porn.

David pays Syd a visit and she spills that Switch is pickling in a big ol' tank. David promises to change the past so that only good things happen. No one who dies is really dead. We all get a do-over. David, while you’re out there tinkering, get me my wallet back.

She says Farouk put the ideas in her head that David was evil. "If none of this happens" she says "we'll never meet, we'll never fall in love". They both say "I love you" and kiss, kiss. But when she grabs his face some kind of force knocks them apart. I’d love to understand this more but I’m not allowed to watch season’s one and two. At the very least it looks she tried Farouk's 'tricked by a lover' (circa Season 3, Episode 1) plan but didn't account for much. God stuff.

Ninja Kerry is on the ground. The Hippy Heathers are still tormenting her. David's carries Syd out of there.

He distracts the Hippy Heathers. They squeal "Did we do good Daddy?" as Kerry pops up behind them and slices them all in the back. Cold blooded! David says he's Syd in David's body. Oh boy, it's one of these, is it Friday already?

Somehow, In the meditation chamber Syd is chilling and David shows up?...then another David shows up! Sid asks "Who the hell are you?" and he replies "I am Spartacus!" Then the other one also says "I am Spartacus!" in what's sure to become an iconic moment in the series. I’d elaborate but my weirdo editor won’t let me watch the first two seasons. This is why I get random Venmos on the first and fifteenth.

Now there's a whole lotta David goin' on. Back on the airship, *that* David who is actually Syd trapped in David's body asks Kerry to kill David's body, right after she switches back. Kerry raises her sword…

...Syd is surrounded by Davids now, all chanting "I am Spartacus" in a highly meme-friendly way. I think she's finally getting it…

...Kerry strikes David too late and he breaks her sword and throws her across the whole airship, he must like her, everyone else wound either dead or memory wiped.

...The rest of the Davids decide the only way to keep Syd from trying to stop them is to erase her mind, which they proceed to do in a sequence that's not at all confusing.

Then at the tank room David meets Farouk who lifts him into the air, trapping him in a force field he's powerless to escape. David swears he'll escape and kill him, and undo everything Farouk has done to him—but Farouk really has him trapped!

Of course Farouk then finishes the job and crushes David right there, saving the world! Oh wait, no, he just spouts off like the worst Bond Villain ever, chewing the scenery and patting himself on the back for his brilliant-as-fuck-scheme until guess what…

Switch shows up and uses her patented Time Square to suck Farouk back into our favorite After Effects photo album from hell, the Land Without Time! Even while blurry, you can tell that he looks pissed.

Predictably, the whole cast launches into an acoustic version of "What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding?" Magnolia style that even has One Eye's popsicle-ized corpse toe tapping up in space. Wow, yup, they're really doing the whole song.

At least that autotune is finally being put to use. Truly an episode for the mustache ladies to shine. Plus, rock solid kaleidoscope work. Oh, the tree in the rumpus room at the Hippie Hollow is beginning to absorb Lenny. Yeeeee!

Switch warns David that if they go back again, the monsters could start coming and never stop. David says he has a "different plan this time.”

This is it. They're going back. One Small Change. Switch draws the time square and steps though, David is one step behind.

Poor Switch. Just another day's work for the world's most exploited millennial.  

Chapter 23

First off, let me say that I had some technical difficulties because my copy of the episode kept skipping like a scratchy old DVD. Someone should talk to FX about their glitchy streaming issues.

We start out on our favorite airship in the mustache grooming section and Ptonomy is having his mustache trimmed two fine mustachioed ladies. This airship truly has every luxury, even a facial hair salon that looks like it was designed by The Doctor. I'd never leave.

Kerry shows up to ask Ptonomy a query, is he Ptonomy anymore? I’m gonna call him Query from now on. That seems to be all he’s good for since he joined the mustache girls. Kerry.....Query. Query.....Kerry. Kerry wants to know what happened to the fun? Even though the fate of the goddamn universe is at stake she's upset that everyone is acting like grown-ups. MEME IT! Query rolls his eyes hard. But it's not because Kerry is acting basic. Nope, it's because he's having a seizure or something.

The mustache ladies also twitch. Query says "Temporal glitch. Narrative compromised." No shit! Do you watch the show?

Another glitch and Query is laying on the floor. "My mustache, what did they do to my mustache?” Maybe there is a little bit of Ptonomy left in there? That’s what you're worried about? It still looks good, boo. He passes out.

Kerry runs to Syd's quarters to warn her there's something wrong with time. Syd thinks David and his time traveler are behind it. Then they both watch an apple rot in front of them really fast, or maybe it's a tomato I can't tell. A blue eyeball appears and blinks at the rotten apple.

After a charming credit sequence that looks like a child's notebook, Lenny and the Pregnant Virgin lay in the grass, discussing baby names. They talk about wanting a fish name before floating suggestions like 'Salmon' or 'Violence'? You just know they're home-schooling and they never plan to vaccinate little Salmon, which, if it's a girl they could go with Salmonella to at least warn people off.

Either way it's going to be an upstream journey for this little tyke.

David and Switch pop out of a time portal right next to them.

David's freaking out, says he has to go back. He has to go back. He has to warn his mother. We have to go back. Something's not right. Do the hand make the door, try again.

Back on the airship Query's back up and at 'em, telling Syd and the Distric 3 gang that "Global computer records are corrupt." His mustache looks good but he's still skippy. Something is changing time.

Through one of the porthole screens he shows them a fuzzy blue shape, a time demon.

Sid says "This is how he does it. David. This is how he destroys the world." The time demon comes out the porthole slowly as everyone freezes.

Farouk shuts the portal with a wave of his hand, chopping off the demon's arm. Then everyone crowds around the arm and stares at it blankly like it's a dead body in an episode of "Murder She Wrote.”

David's back at his meditation center dreaming about his mommy, as usual. Lenny comes flying in wanting to know if David's OK. David doesn't say a word. He puts his hands on her face and then brushes right past her. Ice cold. He goes to address his followers. 

"Hello my Snoopys" he begins, "my Sigmunds, my Howdy Doodys. I hope you're happy." Not exactly The Sermon on the Mount. "Daddy had a bad day, made a big mess.”

Then David asks Switch which what happened back there in the time hallway.  Switch matter-of-factly explains that in the Hall of time there are demons. Or rather "I call them demons, but really they could just be the animals of time. Predators." Yet another statement that brings comfort to no one.

She explains the demons live in the space outside of time, but they're always trying to find a way in. They giggle, and they're like cats, blue cats. "Instead of playing with mice they play with time. And they eat it.”

Lenny, having none of that, calls him out and demands that David come up with a plan and use his powers to save them. "Chop, chop, mama's boy! Get to work!" David stands up and, in a super inspirational speech, pledges he's going to fix things, whatever it takes, proclaiming "This is David's time, and he's got things to do!" Always a good sign when someone starts talking about themselves in the third person. It’s even scarier that Lenny is now the voice of reason.

Switch tells David she lost another tooth, and David seems really concerned.

Suddenly there's a weird sound. Giggling? "Here, kitty, kitty!”

I'll just say here that these things do not really look like cats, and are not as scary as the cats from the upcoming Cats movie. Just Taylor Swift's and James Corden's cat titties alone are terrifying. Don't worry this never gets THAT scary but I digress…

Suddenly the tree starts wilting. David says "Let's Dance!" but before said dancing can occur, two time demons grab David, and he's teleported into a dingy dungeon cell.

A woman singing. Who could that be? It's David's Mommy!


Now we're hanging out with Michael Chiklis as Vic Mackey, everybody's favorite corrupt cop from FX's The Shield.

Michael Chiklis can unhinge his jaw and swallow a toddler whole.

I check my watch to make sure I didn’t have a stroke and piss my pants in a half coma until late night reruns of The Shield came on.

Michael Chiklis’ shoulder blades are unattached to the rest of his skeleton to allow greater flexibility for running.

Not interested in this hot mess, Sid wanders away from the group and down a hallway through this Tardis plane blimp.

Farouk teleports One Eye and Even-Loudermilk to the space outside of time.

Syd catches sight of a figure ahead of her and starts following. Is it Blossom from the 90's? No, it's Syndey Barrett, age 16.

That's right, Syd's younger self. And of course the first thing Syd does for her younger self is pour herself a drink. Young Syd doesn't believe that Syd is her older self. To convince her, Syd reminds her of her first drink at nine years old, when things 'got all swimmy.’

Babydoll, that was your innocence dying.

Time continues to collapse or something, David's handcrafted artisanal lunchboxes are spontaneously rusting in the hippie gift shop and yet the Facebook Group posts of them don’t seem to die in this reality.

Cary is in his lab playing Mr. Wizard, tinkering with all kinds of gadgets. A time kitten is switching the gadgets and spinning around on chairs. The time demon sneaks away but not before leaving a blue turd behind. Hmm, most cats shit in boxes. When Cary smells and touches the blue time poo, it breaks David's hold over him and he remembers who he really is. Time to get out of dodge.

On the way out of hippy hollow Cary runs into Switch while dodging time cats. She’s a terrified little thing, clutching at a giant toothbrush. This makes me ugly cry, I'm a mid-thirties spinster watching Queer Eye.

Michael Chiklis can be hypnotized if you place him on his back and gently stroke his stomach.

Cary tells Switch that he's free of David's spell, that the "Moments of my indoctrination were extirpated.” Sidenote: Never play against Cary in Scrabble.

Back in David's cell, he's trying to get he and his mother out of there, but his powers don't work. David's mother tells him that he's descended from gypsies which makes sense considering his taste in clothes.

Desperate to make some impression, he tells her in a frenzy that after she gets out, she'll have a baby, and then her husband is going on a trip and she needs to stop him. And she's like "That's all right. I'm crazy, too.” He keeps begging her.

David turns around and comes face to face with two strange looking men. The dungeon is gone, replaced by an inky nondescript space. The men pull off their skin suits to reveal time kitty meow meows underneath. David tries to run past them but he keeps getting glitched back to the starting point. He should’ve used a laser pointer.

Farouk and company blink into existence in the space outside time.


This looks like videos of my family vacation to the Grand Canyon. My Dad took video of us walking around and made a slide show out of that in After Effects. Except he'd never used After Effects before and didn't know what filters to use, so he just used all of them.

That's clearly what happened here. They didn't know how to conceive of the Space Outside Time, so they hired someone's dad and gave him a bunch of adderal and printed out links to After Effects tutorials. Dadderal? And even I have to admit, it's effective. Dad’s use of photo borders is on point.

So shit is choppy, like I said it's like a slideshow of the shittiest vacation ever. They eat an animal with blue guts, something else that's happened to me on a family vacation. They find a mailbox the size of a house.

Cary and Switch make it out of the tunnel and immediately jump into that old refrigerator with a phone in it. You know the one! He puts a call into Query and the stache brigade to request dropship extraction. Query's fax impression is off-putting.

Michael Chiklis pees on his hands to wash his feet.

Syd is getting her younger self shit-faced. She asks her younger self "Who teaches you to be normal when you're one of a kind?" Is that from Reality Bites or My So Called Life?

In an aquatic traffic jam, Michael Chiklis will always give right-of-way to manatees.

Young Sid says “If I hug you do we switch places?” They hug, but Young Syd turns into a time kitty and pulls Syd into a crazy time nightmare.

Pregnant Virgin is in the clock room, and she's in labor. Lenny tells her to push!


...her baby Violence is now an infant.


...a girl of about eight, she makes a drawing for Lenny.


...a rebellious teen, Violence shouts, "This is all we get?”


...now a mother herself, Violence starts to hand Lenny her granddaughter but...


Michael Chiklis’ poo is cube shaped.


Violence is middle aged, older than Lenny. What's happening is starting to sink in, her daughter's life passing before her eyes.


...every now and then I fall apart...


Lenny is at Violence's deathbed. Salmon says "Thank you" and Lenny asks "For what?"


Michael Chiklis has 248 muscles in his neck


"For always being there for me."

We see Lenny lying under the clock in darkness next to a pile of ash and the drawing Violence did for her when she was 8.

Lenny screams the scream of someone who has nothing left. Maybe it is lunchtime.

There's like a slow-motion flip-book battle that I can't describe, but it would honestly make Terry Gilliam cream in his trousers.

One of the blue meanies tries to french kiss Kerry. Farouk shows up and pulls a sword out of his mouth. Again, I'll say an entire sword out of his mouth. The man has no gag reflex, for now...

Farouk proceeds to cut that time demon right in half. 

David terminates one time demon with extreme prejudice (and fire). He tells the other meanie "It's not your time, it's mine." and says if they don't go screw he'll kill them all. The other time demon vanishes. Soon, they all seem to disappear.

A devastated Lenny lays on the hopscotch. 

David offers to help but she says she needs to feel it. David goes home to Spawn Ranch and all the followers are happy to see him like dogs when you get home.

He shoos them away. "Where's Switch?”

They tell him "The scientist took her.”

Mmmm this is bad. 

David speaks only one word: “War.”

To release your toddler from the grip of Michael Chiklis' jaws, poke your thumbs into his dead eyes.

I’m confused and my head hurts. Enjoy tonight’s episode kids.

~Thirsty Hank

Chapter 22

by Thirsty Hank

This week the show takes a break (or does it) from this season's hippy trippy vibe to delve into David's family history--exposing more twisted backstory than an episode of Maury. Somehow it manages to be both a classic love story and a mind-fuck horror show.

We spiral in on Baby David in his crib as Gabrielle, his mother plays with him. Her husband Charles leaves her behind, walking out with a suitcase and promising to be back. But hey, girl is hooked up in a pretty swank brownstone mansion.

She's doing her best raising Baby David alone. Getting stir crazy, she writes Charles a letter saying "How long have you been gone? Sometimes I wonder if I'm here, and not there,” and we flash to her in an insane asylum.

Bummed out, she raises David alone while she waits for her man to return. She lays in bed a lot, finally getting up and finding that the front doors are now off the hinges and standing freely in the yard in what could easily be a commercial for Zoloft.

Cut to the looney bin again, then cut back to better days with Gabrielle reading “Harold & the Purple Crayon" to Baby David while Charles tinkers with a weird helmet in his 1940's man-cave. Does this guy have the world's biggest hard-on for ham radio? Sort of! He's actually telepath Charles Xavier, known later in life as Professor X! Spoilers!

He picks up a transmission that seems to be coming from Egypt, from Farouk's dinner party to be exact, which anyone would find disturbing.

Back in the Asylum, Xavier's doctor is asking him questions, but Xavier just reads read his thoughts. Later he approaches Gabrielle in her wheelchair and uses his powers to warg into her mind where he sees war and carnage. A nurse tells him she's a survivor of 'the camps’.

Xavier goes to sleep and has a dream where he's walking down a wooded pathway. There he finds a trap door in the ground. He opens it and as he climbs down the ladder the world becomes black and white, a reverse Wizard of Oz. Then all of a sudden he's fighting a Nazi! This is why you shouldn't eat right before bed.

Xavier wins the fight by mentally commanding the soldier to kill himself. The soldier does so by calmly shooting himself in the head because that's the kind of lemming mentality the Nazi army attracted.

Side note: What do you think? Instead of doing drugs, could Charles Xavier just warg into other people’s minds that are on drugs and get high?

Now that's a superpower that would save this thirsty girl a lotta cash.

Adult David in the now tries to call out to his mother in the past but she can't hear him because the neighbors are blasting ‘Float On’ by Modest Mouse. There’s a great cameo by the Smoke Monster from Lost, which I love because it's not too much. He's just there to do his Smoke Monster thing and enhance the story. He looks good.

Smash cut back to the asylum where Charles and Gabrielle lovingly sit by the fireside while Charles draws a portrait of her.

They go on a nice dinner date and Gabrielle tells Charles she's never seen a tomato before and can't tell the difference between a tomato and an apple.

Of course you can’t Gabby, you're fucking batshit.

They have cherry pie for dessert. Maybe it was tomato? They're fighting over a piece with their forks. Oooooh! Then they enjoy a romantic slow dance in the rec room while the other nutters drool and play backgammon and shit.



It is pretty swank. This mental hospital would be a four star bed and breakfast today. No wonder millennials are pissed off, look at how these folks lived—what health plan did these people have? This is one sanitary sanitarium, clearly Pre Reagan.

Gabrielle busts out a creepy doll that we will call Great Value Chucky and gives it to Baby David.

In bed, Charles tells Gabrielle that he 'has a trick'. It isn't ‘the shocker’.

He flings open the bedroom curtains and suddenly the other patients are clapping and cheering for them as Charles' own doctor lets them waltz right out of the hospital.

They're in that swank brownstone. We see baby David in the nursery, and he has Great Value Chucky by his side. Gabrielle asks if babies can have nightmares and Charles says no, which is not true. Especially when he's carrying the creepiest doll on Earth.

Adult David's voiceover breaks in. "They gave me away. Why didn't they love me?”

Xavier says he hopes he doesn't pass on his psychic ability. David visits baby David and warns him something scary is coming. 

We're back with Gabrielle, she's alone, hearing voices. She's watching the TV set from Poltergiest which doesn't help, and it's acting all possessed. David starts flickering onscreen.

Behind her the Smoke Monster is coming through the floor for the baby. But a voice says "Use your powers" and a white light drives the smoke away. Gabrielle notices the front doors missing again. Our girl is starting to lose it here in the Clue mansion. She answers the phone and hears a garbled message from Charles. She can't understand him. She urges him to come home. She then feels the presence of Farouk. The Shadow King dissolves into a montage of disturbing visuals. David cries 'Mama'.

Gabrielle wakes up in a dodecahedron resembling her bedroom to find David crying and all the doors are gone. They're probably in the front yard again. Those doors seem to like the yard, it's nice out there. Anyways, there's no way out. There isn’t even a even a secret passage to the conservatory.

Eventually, her doors come back home and let her into the nursery. David is lying face down. Crying, she goes to comfort him. She runs to him and turns him over but where his face should be is the back of his head. He's got two backs-of-his-heads. This is a very Lynch-ian situation (different David, just as weird).

Suddenly, an apparition of the adult David appears to his mother, and he looks frightening, kinda melted. She faints.

Charles Xavier picks this exact moment to come home. He sees melty face ghost David trying to do god knows what with his sweet lady. He uses his power to blow David up into a million blobs of jello and throw him back into the time hallway.

Switch follows, she’s tired and busted out. He urges her to go back in time again immediately. She says they traveled too far.

Switch dramatically pulls out a bloody tooth and falls asleep on the floor in the time hallway.

At this point in LEGION I realize a personal life lesson:


David starts to have a temper tantrum and literally starts glowing. 

Back in the past, Gabrielle is catatonic. Xavier is too distracted to notice while the Smoke Monster, a.k.a. Farouk jumps into the infant David, possessing him.

David's interference in the time loop caused these events to unfold. That's why you don't double dip in the time loop.

Zooming into the baby's eye, we see Farouk in a dark space. He’s bouncing baby David on his knee, calling him "My angel, my beautiful boy.”

Farook, goddamn it! You are NOT the father! You a pedo.

Not OK.

I’ll see you kids next week about last week.

And remember, if anyone asks you to do anything that you don’t wanna do; just rip out one of your teeth and then fall asleep on the floor.

Well, this girl’s thirsty…


Chapter 21

by Thirsty Hank

Welcome to an all new season of Legion, the exits are everywhere and nowhere, please keep your hands and feet inside reality. Have we traveled back in time? No, I just wasn't about to write another intro when this one still works.

Zebra plane, zebra plane! Everyone's chillin on Farouk's tweenpunk airship with the full district crew trying to figure out how to smoke David. Meanwhile at the hippie hollow, David is making sure his cultists are getting smoked on the good good.

There's this large peackock art that I think I've seen at Planet K, next to the black lights and lava lamps. Anyway, they're all sitting around in nests and big eggs I guess because it's Sunday. Lenny comes in to grab Switch to tell her David wants to see her right now! But no matter what bitch she's still the boss of her, the Major Domo!

After Switch agrees they both join David on the porch. He smells like patchouli and he's rocking a jacket and some man necklaces from the Ram Dass fall collection. David tells Lenny to get lost and she resists, so he reaches into her mind and implants the suggestions "Get something to eat" and "You're happy now". She flashes her best Stepford Wife smile and says "Well...this girl's hungry" and fucks right off to go eat some shit.

Now that David has Switch alone, he demands to know how her powers work. She tells him about the time hallway.


This place is the Spirit Airlines of time travel. Somewhere there's a much better time machine with reclining seats and bar service where you can watch episodes of "Miss Maisel" while you go back in time, but her no-credit millennial ass can't afford it... yet.

David says 'don't tell me about it, show me.' Switch draws a glowing square in the air like she's Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction on PCP, then jumps on through.

But David can't cross even when she tries to pull him into the hallway, clearly it violates their policy for carry-on baggage.

Just a titch frustrated, David tells Switch her powers are broken but he will fix them by "turning up the volume". He wants to go back and stop Farouk from infecting his mind. He "knows a guy." Sounds legit.

Meanwhile back on Led Zebra, ol' One Eye is threatening to throw Squirrel out of the airship while playing the song "Jump" by Kriss Kross. Making this track the last music someone hears is beyond sadistic--it's wiggeda wiggeda wiggeda whack! Irregardless he drops his Squirrely ass right out the moon door.

Huzzah, Squirrel survives his fall and goes stumbling down a city street, lost in a daze while people leer at him. It's the Breakfast Queen! Lenny drives up in a magic van full of hippies and coaxes Squirrel into the van with drugs--a vial of blue liquid. Just say no, Squirrel!

Syd sits by the crater where David's compound used to be, holding Switch's missing tooth when David appears as a hologram. She accuses him of seducing teenage girls with daddy issues. David insists he's trying to help people but Syd shoots it down, tells him to "turn himself in".

Syd then lays it out about how if you violated someone, you can't just go back and undo it because you're still the same scumbag who did it in the first place. You can't use time travel to clean up your #metoo shit.

She tells him "You end the world."

Is that all?

In David's meditation chamber red smoke is starting to form around his head. The red smoke spreads, turns into a liquid vortex that goes into the pipes, turning all the blue liquids at the hippie hideaway red. It flows into the giant pig's mouth and out through it's tits as smoke. These hippies are sucking it all up. David laughs like a maniac.

The magic van finally stops in the middle of nowhere, with the situation starting to feel like it could go full Manson. But it turns into Alice in Wonderland, with Lenny as the Mad Hatter. She demands to know the temperature of Squirrel's nuts! Then she forces him to smoke some red liquid out of a monkey doll's head.

The whole time District 3 has been spying on them with Squirrel. The badass mustache warrior chicks flex with some combat. Are they confusing to anyone else's downstairs area? Lenny escapes the dust up, kidnapping Cary in the process.

Now it's a black & white vingette, with Farouk playing the piano while muscular black drag queens writhe around him like a 90's era Madonna video that would make Mapplethorpe cry. Farouk convinces Syd to get close to David emotionally to manipulate him.

Cary wakes up in the hippie hideaway, where he sneaks past the drug Pig, past all of the crusty Woodstock rejects into the meditation chamber. David hovers down from the ceiling and tells Cary "You're going to do something for me" then has his minions gas Cary unconscious with a big plastic penguin.

Cary wakes up again in an ornate room with a dresser and some fancy grooming things. He starts making himself all fancy like a fancypants. On the other side of the mirror, Kerry appears! He pulls her through the mirror and they go into a dance. She says "Let me lead". He resists, Kerry turns into David and demands it and Cary submits to David. Heel bitch!

Cary is then taken to Lenny, who has a room full of technology and is clutching that hammer like a woman who wants to hammer something. Lenny asks Carrie what David's going to do and he says "Save the world."

Smash cut to credits.

Well, this girl's thirsty,

I don't know what's next but I'm drinkin' the Kool-aid,

Thirsty Hank
Twitter: @thirstyhank

Chapter 20

Welcome to an all new season of Legion, the exits are everywhere and nowhere, please keep your hands and feet inside reality.

But where is the man himself? Who is this stylish girl wearing Beats knockoffs watching this old ass TV?

She's watching a video called Lessons in Time Travel: Chapter 13. and it's full of fortune cookies like "All past is future" and "Remember the present is not just a date. It's a Feeling." Her father appears at dinner but only on a television that's wheeled in, where he berates and ignores her. She's got some style and these TVs are from like 1956 so it's time to travel out of this shit hole.

She comes across a flyer with really good fonts that asks "Are you indivisible?" and offers more tasty breadcrumbs like "Don't trust the mustache", "Find the pregnant virgin" and "Find the orange fish." It's exciting like the back of a cereal box puzzle. Poking out of the sidewalk is a weird blue flower and it feels like a coincidence. Also on the flyer there's a number that she figures out is a radio frequency, and she tunes in with her vintage stereo equipment, and a voice tells her to follow the 'Yellow Bus’.

She finds a red bus, but it's actually called the Yellow Bus because fuck you. The bus's signage says "The Pregnant Virgin will show you the way" next to a logo for the Pregnant Virgin that looks like it was whipped up in Adobe by someone grinding out their third unpaid internship. But she follows and is led to a glowing door, with that same logo, and it opens into… The dry cleaners for 'The Matrix'? No really. She tells the clerk she's looking for the Pregnant Virgin, but the clerk is having none of it, wants the virgin's name or a password, some bullshit. You don't want to mess with these folks, they've probably seen Morpheus's drawers. So she figures out the password is about the orange fish, which I won't spoil it but it's an orange fish. There's not that many. The staff of the dry cleaners is super excited about the orange fish password and they break into another zesty dance number that's even wilder than the one in Season Two! Then she goes down a glass tunnel that goes all over the place, like right through someone's office, a cave, a forest, a yacht, a coral reef--if only National Geographic had this technology.

Finally we're out the other side. She meets the Pregnant Virgin! "We've been waiting for you!". She and the other dirty hippies gush about their master...the dream come true, man...his thoughts are magic...his spirit is the music and the word. You know this place is on the level.

They have all the stuff a hippy hollow needs like weird designer drugs and a giant pig with smoke coming out of his teats, and I'll say it again these hippies smoke pig teat. I'm a little surprised there isn't a vegan option.

Then a mad scientist hippie with some serious goggles names her 'Switch' because that's his power, and our stylish time traveler finally has a name! Switch! Pregnant Virgin shows Switch into the master's chambers which have a big clock--it looks like Paul Newman's office in 'The Hudsucker Proxy' fucked an IKEA.

The Breakfast Queen shows up and it's Lenny, and Lenny has a hammer. Switch confesses to being a time traveler but will only prove it to the Master, who turns out to be…

...David! Take a minute, I know. It's David and from the looks of things he's been raiding the Bagwhan's closets. It's like Queer Eye for the Guru Guy. Somehow he pulls it off, and pretty swank digs too. He's living inside a slot canyon in a tiny house that Kubrick built and he's doing this post-post-post modern thing with LED lights that really brings the cave together.

They have iced tea.

David transports Switch back to her childhood bedroom to prove that he can. Then he does a trick where he asks her "How are you?" repeatedly in an increasingly intense manner, a trick he probably picked up from a website about how to be a cult leader. Because it works!! Then David tries to reassure Switch by telling her a guy named King Farouk lived in his head for 33 years and Switch doesn't seem reassured at all.

Goggles Hippie starts making blue lotus tea and getting fucked up on it, in his pajamas in broad daylight.

Blue Lotus Sweet Tea

32oz of your cult's finest ice tea

6 Blue Lotus Flowers crushed and juiced

6 shots strong Canadian Whisky

Garnish with mint sprig

While he's drinking the shit out of that tea, someone decides to play hook the hippy with a giant vaudeville hook, and soldiers drop into David's cave on ropes. Kerry cuts David's hand off with a sword! David uses a force field to deflect a massive amount of bullets, killing each soldier down the line. But then in a sneak attack Syd appears and shoots David. Switch realizes she can go back in time to stop this—which walking down a hallway and choosing a doorway for the amount of time she wants to go (1 hour, 2 hours) but was warned by her time travel tapes that going back too far risks"waking the demon”.

She chooses an hour, goes back and convinces David that his enemies are about to attack. He zaps them back to the hippie hollow, now wall-to-wall with Division 3 soldiers. David uses his super intense look, which he practiced watching 'Scanners', to turn them all into a fine mist without delay. But ultimately David is shot by Syd once again, and Switch goes back to the time travel hallway. It looks like her tooth is getting loose. Now, I might think twice when my parts start falling off in the time hallway, but this trooper says two teardrops in a bucket, mother-fuck it. Wouldn't you know she she also runs into Farouk.


Dude is giving off such strong pedo vibe that Elon Musk should tweet about it. Look at that molestache and those sketchy raybans, he's probably gone back in time to molest himself. It's a vicious cycle.

Plus you're 2,000 years old and nobody has talked to you about sunglasses inside?

Anyway, Farouk wants Switch to tell him why she's helping David, but she disappears into his tea tray. Yes you read that right. So Farouk goes back to Division 3 to tell them David has a time traveler at his disposal, and can't be surprised.

Surprise, surprise, they decide to try the invasion again anyway--but this time there's an explosion and their "ground connection is lost" (so you know they have Spectrum). When they approach the compound this time, there's nothing there but crater and a lost tooth.

Opening credits roll, and it seems about time.

Thirsty Hank
Twitter: @thirstyhank