If there's one thing I hate more than nuclear winter, it's nuclear summer. After twenty years of binging MREs and Twinkies, pulling on that lead-lined bikini might as well be pulling teeth. Kidding! My teeth come out super easy now. Still, if you don't have the kind of figure that brings warlords from miles around, a new movement might be perfect for you: body negativity.
I know what you're thinking: "What happened to body positivity?" Hold on there, grandma -- Teen Vogue's been out of print since 2023. It's hard staying positive when your body's more Hiroshima than Noxema! The world has changed, and body negativity is the future: no body, no problems.
"But don't I need my body?" First off, ditch that prepocalyptic mindset! Scientists have been literally enslaved for years, toiling to discover a way to keep the brain running sans corps. Turns out, the old adage that you can keep your face or your ass is sort of right: if you wanna keep your face, you've got to lose everything below the neck. According to Doktar [sic] Horendus of the Eyes Down Here Institute, "the human head is not meant to survive on its own, but pump it with enough drugs and dog blood and you'll get something resembling life."
If a head kept alive by a series of complex tubes seems like the opposite of sexy, think again! According to Cheryl, a patient at the Institute: "I used to dread wearing shorts because I hated my thighs, but I love rocking my robotic spider legs." And it hasn't hurt her dating life: "When I skitter down the street, guys can't stop staring."
Another patient, Kimchlocokylie, agrees. "I tried everything: Atkins, keto, cannibalism. The only thing that worked was removing my digestive tract and everything connected to it."
Not everyone agrees with the movement. Outside of Eyes Down Here, a handful of protesters gathered, waving homemade signs with slogans like "YOUR BODY, MY CHOICE" and "Don't have a heartbeat? Beat it!". Pastor Sexnut, who organized the protest, was met with cheers and applause as he spoke. "I love boobs, and heads do not have boobs."
Is body negativity a trend that will pass by in a flash, like Jeff Bezos on his golden reaver? Or will it stick around, like the hyper-intelligent vulture on my roof? One thing's for sure: the process is absolutely irreversible as of press time.
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Bio: Natalie Holt is a comedian from The Time Before. When the servers hadn't fallen, you could follow her on Twitter @fistfulofhollas and find her upcoming performances at natalieholtcomedy.com.